Home Is a Feeling (and Sometimes a Playlist)
From Spain to Germany: A journey of personal growth, musical expansion and how playlists help me stay rooted abroad
When Everything Feels Grey. Not Just the Sky.
It happened. After more than 3 years of living abroad, I reached a point where I felt disconnected from my surroundings. Blame it on surviving (lol) my fourth grey winter in Germany, where beyond the drop of temperatures, life itself seems to vanish. And this year I also felt like fading away.
Disclaimer: Since I moved to Germany, I have tried really hard not to complain about the weather. I mean, I already knew what I was signing for. But fuck it. Ich kann nicht mehr. I am a California Catalan gurl, Mediterranean -quoting FADES. But whatever, winter is over, let’s see how I handle it next year.
These last months I found myself walking down the street, feeling dissociated. I couldn’t (or maybe I didn’t want to) relate to anything or anyone around me.
Lost in Translation. And in My Own Playlist.
I couldn’t even find a song which lyrics relate to what I was feeling!!! And that was a big problem for someone like me, who needs music to process my thoughts, feelings and experiences throughout music. aghhh.
Although I couldn’t find that one song that spoke my thoughts out loud, I noticed something in my everyday music listening (which, trust me, is A LOT). I was only listening to music in Spanish and Catalan — all day long, on repeat.
I caught myself finding comfort in songs that made me feel connected to my life in Spain. I even ended up (kind of unintentionally) creating a playlist only with songs in Spanish and Catalan to listen to when being outside. It helped me let go of the frustration I felt with how I’d been experiencing life in Germany lately — or, more accurately, how I hadn’t really been feeling anything at all
Old City, New (ongoing) Soundtrack
Although I’ve been slowly finding peace again (Germany, let’s work it out on the remix!!!), after submitting my master’s thesis I have had the opportunity to do something I still haven’t tried since moving countries: spend more than just a week back in my Barcelona life.
I always got a bit scared of spending more than a week here, just in case I would question why the f*ck I decided to leave. But after these last few months feeling disconnected of Germany, I decided it was about time to take a break.
So here I am, back in Barcelona for a month, writing from my teenage room at my parents’ place about something I had always wanted to do: live abroad.
The 16-year-old Xavi would probably feel an immense sense of relief knowing he made it out of the neighborhood where he grew up, often feeling trapped. That he is being proudly himself. That he continues having a beautiful support net from his friends, and that he is even experiencing love as he never thought he would.
Germany Not Only Changed Me, But Also My Musical Taste
But beyond all the personal growth (like wow) that comes with living abroad, there’s something I hadn’t really considered — and that the old version of Xavi (who was already obsessed with music) would’ve loved to know, too: I’ve also expanded musically.
Whereas a few lines above I mentioned how lately I had only been listening to music in Spanish and Catalan, the truth is that since moving to Germany, my musical taste has been heavily influenced by German music, which tends to be present in my headphones almost every day.
Moving to Germany has led me to discovering a whole new world of music. And discovering this new music has helped me feel more integrated and grounded in my life there.
Although in this little reflection/post I won’t go into detail about my favorite German music or discoveries (which has been a whole other journey hehe), since I arrived in Barcelona, I’ve been listening to some of it again — and it’s made me appreciate how much music I’ve discovered over the past few years. Music I probably never would have listened to if I hadn’t moved there.
Home Is a Feeling (and Sometimes a Playlist)
Today’s weather was grey-ish, which not only reminded me of these last months in Germany, but also about my neue neue deutsche Welle playlists. So on today’s cloudy walk, with those playlists playing on my Spotify, I realised that living abroad isn’t only about adjusting to your surroundings —it’s about embracing the unknown and letting it shape you in unexpected ways.
The friends I’ve made (shoutout to my support net!!!), my warm and caring partner, my cozy apartment, my bike, the scent of my Shirin David perfume, the slow pace of life—these are just a few of the things in Germany that make me feel at home in a place where I started from scratch. And that now is where I feel home.
There’s a lot that comes and goes when living abroad — but in my case, music has also been one of those powerful forces that helped me go throughout. Both to feel more grounded in Germany, but also to appreciate where I come from.
And although life now feels much less grey, in moments when that sense of home in Germany feels a bit shaky again, I know my playlists with Spanish and Catalan music will help me to keep me connected to my roots and bring me comfort that sometimes we need to get through <3
